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Divorce

Even if I didn't have any intention of ever being married again merely remaining separated feels like a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, it’s something others cannot see but it’s annoying to walk around with. Initially my divorce brought about many mixed emotions because it didn’t matter how much I wanted a divorce, how ready I was to move on with my life, it is hard to end things with someone you thought would be your ‘forever’. The finality of a divorce, the closing of a chapter you never thought you’d have to end, the change of your marital status from Married to Divorced, is like experiencing a death – only you’re both still alive and have to remain in each other’s lives until your children are adults. This morning for some reason I woke up feeling clear. A weight had been lifted, in lieu of the letter “D” being branded on my chest forever. I realized that the feelings of mourning I had been experiencing had nothing to do with any residual feelings I had for my ex-husband, but more to do with the shame attached to another very public failure. All that ego stuff aside I actually feel okay and maybe I only feel this way because I have found love again, I don’t know, but I do know that I am excited about my future and the future of my children. I am in a place now where I can look back and can see purpose in my marriage and my divorce. God has blessed me abundantly and slowly but surely has replaced what was taken away. I will still have reminders of what once was, whether they’re shoved in my face or they pop up on my Facebook timeline as a memory. I will and have moved forward in my life — in a new relationship, in a new home, and possibly a in new career with a brand-new title: divorced. Because that is all it really is – the painful closing of one door.


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